Down memory lane

Salam Alayk,

wooops! I did say I'd write more often right? Looks like I haven't. Sorry about that. Oh well, here's a little something then. How many siblings do you have? In my case, it's just my big sister and I.

Kakak & Adik.

It's always been that way ever since I existed. My sister is four years older than me but even so, I've never felt distant from her because of age. When I was small, I used to remember her being my partner in crime. haha...practicaly coz she didn't have a choice really. Or did she? I can never really know. You see, my sister is special. She's not just an ordinary sister. The term people would use is spastic. She is a spastic child.

Despite being the youngest, I'm the eldest at the same time. I've been taking care of her since before I could understand why I needed to do it. At the back of my memory, one that I clearly remember is having to help her brush her teeth. I was really short back then. 4 years old. Had to climb up a chair to reach the sink and to reach her. She's always taller than me even now. haha... and there I was. A little girl brushing her sister's teeth with all her might. I used to think of it as a duty you know? Something bestowed upon me by my parents and be happily getting it accomplished.

but...as I grew older I guess I changed. I became impatient and I started fretting over things. I know I shouldn't but it happened and maybe to her being with me isn't such fun anymore as I felt that way with her but no. My sister never thinks ill of other people. She can't. She just doesn't know how. So how could I have been so mean? Perhaps it's just me being a child that for once wanted to be cared for by my sibling which I can't hope for from her in the way that other people might be able to.

Now, I try putting myself in her shoes. She didn't ask for this to happen to her and yet it did. I was thinking maybe in her head she thinks, 'It's like watching my little sister grow and I get left behind because I can't follow her and she can't stay.' Wouldn't it hurt her even more than me? And being her, she'd feel even more helpless coz she doesn't know how to make me feel better. All she knows is that I get mad all the time and it looks like it’s because of her. So somehow, we did become distant and stopped doing things together. Maybe in her logic, that’s the best thing to do so that I don’t cry and I don’t get mad.

I went off to boarding school. 5 years of it. Not being home most of the time made us grow even further apart. My mother told me though that she’d always ask about me when I’m not around. She’d ask the same questions everyday and my parents would answer the same way without fail and she’d be happy with just that. She’d ask things like, ‘Abah, adik makan ape pagi ni?’, ‘Adik pegi kelas ye ma?’, ‘Bila adik basuh baju?’, ‘Adik buat sendiri ye ma?’, ‘Adik tidur dengan sape?’, ‘Adik tak takut ke abah?’, ‘Adik tidur pukul berape?’, ‘Bila adik nak balik rumah?’....and the list goes on and on...

In front of me though she’d keep quiet. Not one word from all those questions when I get home. Nothing. She just does stays put and leaves me alone doing whatever I wanted to do. At times, I remember catching a glimpse of her looking at me and turning away quickly fearing I’d see her look.

Isn’t that just sad? Why couldn’t I see that time that I have one person at home who loves me so much no matter what I do? A person that never can get mad at me and is always there to give me a smile hoping that I’d smile back.

Always there and wants me to love her too.

That was the past. I’m not like that anymore. Growing up made me see a lot of things and I grew out that age where I was always jealous of the attention she gets. I miss her. A feeling in me that I never really understood before. I guess the distancing for all these years made me forget how she used to be so important to me. I’m mending things now. Have been trying for a few years already. It’s fruitful, we are getting close again. I’d have to take it slow. Get to know her again and let her try to get to know me. Let her know that I won’t get upset anymore and that I love her.

I do love my sister.

I’ve always had this problem whereby I rarely show how I care up to the point that I don’t know how anymore. Even my best friend complained about that. Haha :P I have this gift of making people feel like they’re not special to me when in actual fact those I hold dear to my heart, I can never really let go. I just can’t because once I love you, I always will. The thing is, people are the ones that want me to go away. So, you can’t blame me for liking the fact that I’m a loner. I have friends who are very close to me. Many in fact that it’s ironic if I say I’m a loner but that’s how it is. Ask around, they’d tell you how I usually walk on my own because I like to.

At times I seek comfort in others. I thank you all for bearing with me. Now I’ve decided that, I’d stay with those who actually want me to stay rather than bother those who’d wish that I leave.

Kak, adik mintak maaf sebab lame btul pegi tinggal kakak sorang2. That’s because I know you’re strong like me! :) coz we’re sisters! I’m back now and I never wanna leave you again. I’ve been back for quite a while already right? Evenhough I know you don’t understand any of this, I know our hearts understand each other :)

Allah gave you me! Your little sister who’ll fight off all the bad people out there and never let anyone hurt you so you need not be afraid of anything else but Allah. Coz whatever happens, I’m your little sister and you are my one and only kakak.

"...dan (peliharalah) hubungan kekeluargaan. Sesungguhnya Allah selalu menjaga dan mengawasimu."

[An-Nisa' 4:1]

Allah brought me back home. Alhamdulillah :)