Pain of the unforgiving

I don't know for sure but that surely is the indication I'm getting. That I'm not forgiven. It made me look back at my old post 2 years ago, the Sweetness of Forgiveness. Now that we're in the second phase of Ramadhan, all the more reason to talk about this.

The phase of forgiveness.

I was listening to a talk by Shaykh Hamza Yusuf and what he said really caught my attention.

'The soul can only be brought back to life by recognizing why it was created and then setting out and striving to achieve that goal. Recognizing that we will have shortcomings. That we will make mistakes. That those mistakes are part of our humanity. That Allah s.w.t. knows those mistakes because He created us to make those mistakes so that we would turn to Him and He could in turn, turn to us and forgive us. And this is why we are created. We were created to respond to Allah and the only way a slave feels its servitude to Allah is in its abject nature. It is in its subjugation to Allah that occurs by doing wrong and then desiring atonement. Desiring to reconnect with ones true nature.'

And Allah being Most Gracious of all...is always waiting for us to reconnect.

I'm ashamed of myself really. This past month I have been sick. Being sick this month got me cranky somehow and I failed to see the hikmah behind my sickness. Failed to attain as much benefit from it as a muslim should. For sickness can dispose sins. I was blinded by pain & discomfort and it was all I could think about causing me to sigh a lot, fret...and forget how one should act in such situations. And incidentally those close to me had to hear all this from me everyday. Had to get such a negative vibe from me. Had to bear with me being complicated and hard to understand.

I didn't want to be this way and now with pain as pressure I'm desperately pulling myself together. I guess sometimes we just need to learn things the hard way coz then only will there be effect. I realize that every one of us has limits to their patience. I'm sorry I crossed that line for you. I don't know why it's bothering me so much and now I don't even have you to tell this to. You still won't speak to me.

It's odd isn't it? How forgiveness from man, when not given...aches so much you can even literally feel it in your chest. But forgiveness from Allah, whom we wrong everyday of our lives, whom we never quite deservingly love...doesn't quite give us such bother. Astaghfirullah... :'(

Waiting...for an answer to whether or not you've forgiven me is agonizing...but the One I've really wronged is Allah and not you. May you find it in your heart to empathize, to forgive, to see your own mistakes, own up to them and to cherish those who cherish you.

Have mercy my brothers & sisters for you seek mercy too.