For the greater good

Here I am in a conflict. To be who I am or to be who people want me to be. I've been thinking about that a lot even if nobody brought it up and because of that, believe me I do realise what people don't like about me. At least in one particular area I do. But what am I to do about it? It's not like I haven't warned my friends about my nature in mingling. I have right from the very start and that's how I mingle and that's what makes me different. 'Weird' is the term they use for me now. haha...true enough coz I'm not denying it. I am like this.

I guess I've been too optimistic to think that people are comfortable with me when in actual fact they're not. If you notice, before I did say that I can't blame people for how they treat me because I brought it upon myself. Yes, i did. It's my fault and I admit.

I wonder if anyone can accept me for the way I am. This girl who keeps wearing black from head to toe and walks like a stick. I guess it's difficult and so they choose an easier option which is to not accept me or even to ask me to change. They say "Nadira, you should change" and even if they don't say it straight to me they have their means of doing so somehow through other people who would come up to me.

Question is, should I change?

No, they should learn to accept me for who I am.


TETT!!! Wrong answer... It's a yes. YES I MUST CHANGE. Nadira must change her ways for the better or shall I say for the greater good. Have you read Harry Potter? You see in the 7th book where all the truth is revealed, Albus Dumbledore mentioned something along these lines...

"It is easy to differ between what is good and what is bad. What's difficult is to choose the greater of two goods and the lesser of two evils."

Do you get what it means there? Here's to say that when you have no choice but to do only one thing when both are good, it's nerve wrecking to choose which is better to do over the other. When it comes to having to do something cruel which you have to do even when you don't want to, it is hard to determine which isn't so bad.

Which situation am I in? There would be many opinions I'm sure so I'll leave it to you to think. As for now, I know I must change. Why haven't I changed if I realised it for so long already? Like a friend of mine said, we can relate ourselves to chemical equations. There's a reverse reaction in ourselves and since it's dynamic, forward and reverse reactions just keep happening BUT that shouldn't be my excuse.

My statement earlier was difficult for me to make a decision because it was the wrong statement. Let's change it so that I get a clearer picture on which I should choose between the two.

Before : To be who I am or to be who people want me to be.
After : To be who I am or to be who ALLAH wants me to be.

Now Nadira, is it so hard to decide? Who comes first? You or Allah?

Allah comes first and so because of that if you change, it's because of Allah and not because of what other people say or because of what other people want from you. I'm human and so I'm weak and to change the way I am is difficult for me. Very difficult but eventhough I'm saying this I'm not hoping for all of you to understand how I feel. Nobody ever does anyway (excluding you Arine, Adzreen & Adzwin) Just some people that I trust to understand my situation.

May Allah help me and give me strength for patience.
Ustaz dulu cakap, kita ni doa untuk mintak kesabaran bagi dua perkara.
1. Doa supaya sabar melakukan ibadah serta apa yang disuruh oleh Allah.
2. Doa supaya sabar meninggalkan maksiat dan apa yang dilarang oleh Allah.

I'm not a liar. What you see is the truth. The way I act, the things I say. Maybe that's why it's hard for people to accept because they really see who I am. I'd like to correct what I said before when I said that I appear to be strong when I'm not. That's wrong. I am strong in that sense or else i wouldn't be able to hold myself together. So, you see I'm not lying. What you see has been me all along.

It's gonna be hard and I know that even if I change there will be people with other views on how I should be. It's okay coz whatever happens, I've got Allah.

Thank you brothers & sisters who have directly or indirectly asked me to change :) May Allah bless you.

:)

Sincerity gets to people. Don't you think so? I mean somehow, someway or another when someone is sincere you see through. Can't help but smile because of it coz you don't always find people like this in the world now. Read a friends post just now actually and I thank her for making my heart feel so warm. :)

I needed it, eventhough her post had nothing to do with me, not even the slightest but it made me happy :D

Allow me to spread some happiness. I don't know if I mentioned this before but to my friends around me, I wanna tell you that you're very much appreciated. Really :) Thanks for being there for me. I'd like to specifically say it out but perhaps I shouldn't. haha... One thing's for sure is, for once I felt cared for :)

You see I have this mentality that nobody cares about me. Childish? Pathetic? Yeah I know but that's how I feel. We often overlook things that we have so I guess that's what lead me to that mentality. I've overlooked those that actually do care about me : Sorry~ I guess we need evidence, that's why. Oh well, actions speak louder than words so if you don't feel like saying it out, act it out. [does that make sense? :P] haha...

Point is dear reader, I'm happy and I want you to be happy too. ^_^

I've decided :)

Don't make me change my mind okay? :) After all the decision is mine to make. I'm smiling now, even when this week hasn't been that pretty for many but yes here I am smiling. I admit I was wrong to feel cold towards accusors coz the thing is I brought it to myself. The fault is mine and so I'm sorry for my mistake.

I take this as another direct lesson from Allah and so it is my duty to have learnt something from it otherwise it'd be a waste. Don't worry coz I did learn and here are somethings I'd like to say to a few people.

1. To Arine my dear friend, thanks for calling me yesterday :) I'm glad that even if we're no longer in tkc we maintain a great friendship somehow. Wish you were here though. :P After all, no one has ever gotten as close as you when it comes to understanding me and I mean human in this case of course. What you wrote in our blog is indeed right. I needed to be reminded :P thanks.

2. To Mira yang comel :P You've made me feel so much better today. I know I can always count on you :) thanks a lot.

3. To a person perhaps on the verge of bursting with anger. I'm sorry I caused that anger to strike and to have made you feel the way you feel now. I was ignorant to it but knowing doesn't really help since I don't know what'll make you feel better. Hopefully Allah will help coz He knows best.

4. To an unexpected commentor. Your comments never fail to make me laugh :D

5. And lastly to you although very unlikely for you to read this, I just wanna say don't tell me. You know what I mean and I think we both agree it's for the best. Whatever it is you'd like to say, perhaps it's best to keep. But then again, if you must I do have an answer for you.

I'm moving out from this figureless conflict. Not running away but leaving after realising my mistake. May we all improve and get ourselves nearer to what's most important - Allah. The time now is indeed not right and so wait and be patient. Because we have done wrong, do not feel too bad about it, just get back on the right track.

"Sungguh, orang-orang munafik itu (ditempatkan) pada tingkatan paling bawah dari neraka. Dan kamu tidak akan dapat seorang penolong pun bagi mereka, kecuali orang-orang yang bertaubat dan memperbaiki diri dan berpegang teguh pada (agama) Allah dan dengan tulus ikhlas (menjalankan) agama mereka kerana Allah. Maka mereka itu bersama-sama orang -orang yang beriman dan kelak Allah akan memberikan pahala yang besar kepada orang-orang yang beriman."

[An-Nisa' 4:145&146]

Speech?

Oh dear. I finally did my speech for speakers corner but I wish I didn't have to go all nervous. Turned out to be okay, as so people say even when I actually doubt it. I was quite bad actually as some will agree. Oh well all I wanna say is...

Thank you~ for those who were listening :)

It meant a whole lot to me eventhough you just stood there. Again thank you so much.