I'm okay.

I just wrote about death didn't I? Looks like I hit close to home. So close. (Maksudnya, rupa-rupanya ada kaitan rapat dengan diri sendiri)

Today, my grand aunt passed away. Innalillah hiwainnailaihi rajiun... Grand aunt meaning my grandmother's elder sister. Us grandchildren call her Tok wan. I went to visit her the night before I left for Madinah. Never occured to me that was the last time I'd see her smile back at me. The last time I get to lie down beside her and just hold her hand.

You see, I don't think I've mentioned Onyang before so let me just tell you a bit then. Onyang is my great grandmother. The mother of both my grandmother and my grand aunt. She's lived with me all my life ever since I was little and I grew ever so attached to her. She passed away 6 years ago. If I think about her, I can still hear her voice calling out to me. Asking me to wake up and pray Subuh, asking me to sleep when it's late night, asking me to follow her to the garden where she'd show me many interesting things as she plants whatever plant she finds, asking me to keep it a secret when she falls down so that my mother doesn't worry. Owh how I miss her and yes...I can hear her still.

One thing about Onyang is I like to hold her hand. It doesn't matter they're old. I like her hands. And ever since she died, I'd keep telling Tok wan whenever I visit her that her hands are just like Onyang's. Only perhaps a bit smaller in size but that's maybe coz I've grown but anyway, holding hers would remind me of Onyang and I'd feel comforted in a way. Now I wonder how she felt everytime I say that. Would that might have hurt her? She'd smile at me though but perhaps reminding her of her mother might have made her sad. I'd like to think she felt happy to be like her wonderful mother.

Now...she's gone and I'm here far away from home. She lives nearby my house you see but I'm not there. My mum told me the funeral is tomorrow morning but sadly, I can't go home. I would've wanted to see her...one last time. Perhaps hold her hand even or kiss her forehead but nevermind. Even if I can't be there, many of her loved ones will be.

I know what's important is not being there. What's important is that I pray for her...no matter where I am...no matter how far. It's just as I said, I would've liked to see her...one last time. Oh well, to you reading...if you don't mind. Do pray for her too and while you're at it, don't forget my Onyang as well. Al-Fatihah would be wonderful enough so please...okay? :)

May they be forgiven and may Allah bless them with His grace.

Amin~