Hear me crap...

Okay it's not exactly crapping but crapping sounds like a good word :P

You know I've been better before. Lately my posts potray somesort of misery hanging over me. Especially my latest post.

I notice that I can never really portray how I feel. It's as if the right words just won't fall out and it's killing me because I can't make people see and understand. I can't reach out and that feeling so desperately wanting to believe in something but not finding it leaves me helpless. Exactly how a friend of mine wrote in her blog, I lie to myself. I make up excuses for what's been happening. I make them up to comfort myself. I make them up so that I don't stay mad at you for long and so that I don't give up hope. I said to a friend once before that I'm tired of explaining myself. Am I really? Or perhaps the truth is I just don't know what to say?

Even to me, silence hurts more than saying something blunt. Silence is never a good choice coz it leaves you in uncertainty with false hopes building up just to keep you sane. And false hope definitely hurts more than knowing exactly the reality of where we stand. This, I would know. Hearing things from other people makes it worse because the two of us never really talk it over properly and what others say may not be the truth. May not be how we meant to say it. Why aren't we talking? Why are we letting others do so for us? I don't wish to hurt you, nor do I wish to complicate things for you.

I simply want to straighten things out. I want us to be okay.

Hmm...Am I trying too hard that things don't seem to go quite right? I can't help it coz I get worried in which I need relief. I said some things I wish I could take back because they just came out all wrong, but I know I can't turn back time to mend what's already done. I'm willing to fix things but I can't do it alone...

Will you talk to me?

p/s: told you i'm crapping...huhu