"Truly in the heart there is a void that cannot be removed except with the company of Allah. And in it there is a sadness that cannot be removed except with the happiness of knowing Allah and being true to Him. And in it there is an emptiness that cannot be filled except with love for Him and by turning to Him and always remembering Him. And if a person were given all of the world and what is in it, it would not fill this emptiness."
-Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah-
I've heard someone say that loneliness is underrated...but then again if we talk about the void as being referred to by Ibn Qayyim, it isn't. Say what you want to make yourself feel better. It's underrated, it's not true, it can be coped with, it's no big deal etc..etc
But all you're doing is fool yourself...because that emptiness is real and has only one cure.
It's a refreshing feeling when you take time to listen or I suppose in many more cases, read what others have to say. You'd realise how beautiful people are from within themselves. A beauty often overlooked nowadays. Often deemed to be unimportant.
There's no one really to blame for that. At least no one in particular. We live in a diseased world and I guess a truth that I didn't really wanna think of and believe is that in some ways, I've been deceived too. The way we think, give opinions...in the slightest of ways even may be off track without us realising because we were brought up in conditions exposing us to a certain frame of mind that seems to be the way we should think when in fact it is not.
Such subtle ways are we all fooled and see how it's worked. Of course it's working, we're all part of a long devised plan. One so elaborate and long term with people who work extremely hard behind them. I'm beginning to see now that's why it is so difficult for us to resist our old ways. To completely get rid of things we grew up with, what our parents grew up with too.
And one of the most powerful things clinging us on to what we should leave...are memories. Memories that are mostly good ones to us. Familiar happy feelings and how unfortunate it is for those memories to be so intertwined with jahiliyyah that we should want to leave. It's sad, but true...and I find myself in a confusing state when I'm back with the ones I love. I feel torn apart and helpless mostly but there's also a comfort that I honestly don't want to leave. Something I'm sure many others have felt too. The difficulty in breaking free.
There's so much more for me to learn...for us to learn. May Allah give us strength and patience in doing that and may He choose us to prevail. Aamiin~
How is your Ramadhan? I hope each day gets better for us all insyaAllah and may we all alert ourselves to the constant tarbiyyah Allah gives us. After all, fasting is solely for Him and He will be the One to reward it.
Anyway look what I found today. A familiar phenomena I'd say :P Let's watch!
I don't know for sure but that surely is the indication I'm getting. That I'm not forgiven. It made me look back at my old post 2 years ago, the Sweetness of Forgiveness. Now that we're in the second phase of Ramadhan, all the more reason to talk about this.
The phase of forgiveness.
I was listening to a talk by Shaykh Hamza Yusuf and what he said really caught my attention.
'The soul can only be brought back to life by recognizing why it was created and then setting out and striving to achieve that goal. Recognizing that we will have shortcomings. That we will make mistakes. That those mistakes are part of our humanity. That Allah s.w.t. knows those mistakes because He created us to make those mistakes so that we would turn to Him and He could in turn, turn to us and forgive us. And this is why we are created. We were created to respond to Allah and the only way a slave feels its servitude to Allah is in its abject nature. It is in its subjugation to Allah that occurs by doing wrong and then desiring atonement. Desiring to reconnect with ones true nature.'
And Allah being Most Gracious of all...is always waiting for us to reconnect.
I'm ashamed of myself really. This past month I have been sick. Being sick this month got me cranky somehow and I failed to see the hikmah behind my sickness. Failed to attain as much benefit from it as a muslim should. For sickness can dispose sins. I was blinded by pain & discomfort and it was all I could think about causing me to sigh a lot, fret...and forget how one should act in such situations. And incidentally those close to me had to hear all this from me everyday. Had to get such a negative vibe from me. Had to bear with me being complicated and hard to understand.
I didn't want to be this way and now with pain as pressure I'm desperately pulling myself together. I guess sometimes we just need to learn things the hard way coz then only will there be effect. I realize that every one of us has limits to their patience. I'm sorry I crossed that line for you. I don't know why it's bothering me so much and now I don't even have you to tell this to. You still won't speak to me.
It's odd isn't it? How forgiveness from man, when not given...aches so much you can even literally feel it in your chest. But forgiveness from Allah, whom we wrong everyday of our lives, whom we never quite deservingly love...doesn't quite give us such bother. Astaghfirullah... :'(
Waiting...for an answer to whether or not you've forgiven me is agonizing...but the One I've really wronged is Allah and not you. May you find it in your heart to empathize, to forgive, to see your own mistakes, own up to them and to cherish those who cherish you.
Have mercy my brothers & sisters for you seek mercy too.
Okay enough with being gloomy (note to self XD), time to take action and smile! Have you heard of this story before? The sheltering cloud. Let's do some reading cay? Watch this video ^_^
Subhanallah...what do you think? A simple story yet it holds such deep meaning. The state of the heart is really something we need to take notice. Something we must always look after because it changes everything. It changes who we are. People may not notice but know that our hearts never escape the knowledge of Allah s.w.t.
No more thinking about what people think. Put Allah first, ALLAH! And He'll handle the people we're so worried about before. He will because He knows best as opposed to us who get confused when given options.
Let's solve this fundamental problem together and together heal our hearts. It's gonna be a lot of work but it's a cause worth fighting for.
Step 1: In the name of Allah, get rid of unnecessary pride and arrogance.
Don't look down on others! Look in the mirror and see our own blemishes that need fixing. Remember the sheltering cloud :)
A hypocrite with an eloquent tongue, one who is ignorant of Allah but knows the rules of Allah, one who destroys himself...
Ya Allah, ya Allah...protect us from turning into that. From falling out of the path to You. From forgetting ourselves. From deceiving ourselves. Save us with Your grace and light. Help us. Give us strength.
...was what I needed and now the awkward start begins.
I'm different now. Not so perhaps to those who know me. Much so to those who think they know me. I meant no harm. Honest...I just did what I had to do. No more pretending. No more resenting.
It wasn't all a lie. No...I genuinely had moments where my heart felt so at peace. Moments I reached out...bursting with honesty & truth trying to make sense of it all. Trying to connect. But I feel there is something missing, something I still don't understand causing me to be this way. There was something wrong with me and to ignore it any longer would only do more harm than good.
Words don't suffice to explain what's going on with me, forgive me for that. I want to start over...this time insyaAllah with the right foot forward, with my heart in place. I took a risk and it wasn't easy.
"Kita perlu akrab dengan manusia untuk mengetahui masalahnya, namun yang lebih utama, adalah kita perlu akrab dengan Allah agar kita dapat mengetahui cara untuk menyelesaikan sesuatu masalah dengan sebaiknya."
Benar kan? Kerana penyelesaian itu perlu berlandaskan kepada apa yang diredhaiNya dan bukanlah sekadar pendapat peribadi kita. Kerana yang Haq itu bukanlah menurut ketetapan kita tetapi menurut ketetapan Allah.
Kadang-kadang begitu mudah sekali kita lupa kan? Astaghfirullah...
Did some reading today & I came across this saying by Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah~
'Repel the thought, for if you don't, it becomes an idea. So repel the idea, for if you don't it will become a desire. So fight against that (desire), for if you don't, it will become a determination and a passion. And if you don't repel that, it will become action. And if you don't replace it with it's opposite, it will become a constant habit. So at that point, it will be difficult for you to change it.'
I find this to be so true. Sometimes we let ourselves slip from one to the other ever so quickly that a simple thought becomes a habit in a blink of an eye. And at that point it seems we're in trouble of getting out of it even if we want to.
But the key I would say is the word 'difficult'...not impossible...only difficult. Which means one way or another you can do it. You've just got to be willing to face it and stop holding back.
It's troubling sometimes...being curious...but insyaAllah whatever it is that has passed, I pray may Allah help to keep me from having regrets. I wish not to have any.