This morning I tried to write. Oddly though the words don't seem to come out right. Okay I'm rhyming now. huhu...oh well, let's give it a shot.
Raya Haji this year is kinda different. In a good way that is :) At my grandparents' house the fruit trees used to bear lots of fruits everytime we came back. There are only 3 trees anyway. Rambutan, jambu and my all time favourite...MEMPELAM! hehe :D When I was small I'd get so excited everytime my dad or my uncles would go and get the fruits for us all to eat together. Sadly though the trees stopped bearing fruits for a couple of years. Suddenly now, there are FRUITS! Loads I tell you from each tree but my concern would of course be for mempelam most of all. ngee~ This time we all went to get the fruits together. Yang bestnye, kitorg sepupu duk sambut buah guna kain batik kat bawah pokok. :) Memang kampung habis kitorg hari tu. :D Well you see, all of us have been spending most of our lives in the city so this little 'event' (cewah, sampai panggil event :P) was wonderful! mira & shera jangan jealous ye? XD
That early morning, firstly of course we went for raya prayers at the mosque. It was full. I love it went the mosque is full :) Why don't people want to make it full all the time like that? Oh well, may better times come. I know it will. After the prayers, there was a khutbah given by the imam. One main thing he pointed out was about 'niat'. Let's see... what's niat in english? Intention? I guess along that line. He talked about how important 'niat' is in what we do. For example, why we give sacrifice. Is it for the right reasons? Is it truly for Allah? Another would be, why we go for hajj. Is it to go on holiday, shop, do business deals or again I ask, is it for Allah? How about sedekah (alms)? Do you give it with pride and the intention of showing off or is it for Allah?
You see, many people don't realise the importance of 'niat' in the things they do especially in ibadah. Doing things for the wrong reasons is such a shame and I think it's safe to say that it is also a waste of time. If what you do is not for Allah, my brothers and sisters it really is a waste. That's why some people, before beginning or continuing to do something they like to say 'Mari kita perbaharui niat,' (let's look back & renew our intentions). Even the 1st hadith of the 40 hadiths of Imam Nawawi talked about niat before anything else. This shows priority, right?
He also talked about family ties. The main point was about how we the generations of Adam nearing the end of time have changed and that how the family institution itself is to be blamed. This has to be true because family shapes a person. He gave this scenario which struck me hard,
Sekarang kita lihat dalam sebuah keluarga itu, ibu bapa dan anak-anak berjemaah ketika makan. Mereka juga berjemaah ketika menonton televisyen dan bermain. Namun, mengapa ketika tibanya solat, masing-masing membawa diri masing-masing? Do you have an answer to that? It's true isn't it? Why is there no togetherness in performing solat?
Generally that's how it is now. Even so, I do know that amidst all that there are still some people who still practice praying together as a family. People who devote their lives in order to achieve death and at last meet their Creator. People who are ever so gentle to others, knowing that is how it should be living in this world with other people but brave and fierce only to those who wish to tarnish their faith. Strong against enemies of Allah. People who spend their early mornings before dawn in prayers and not sleep. People who sacrifice temporary joy in life for eternal joy in the after life.
Yes, people like this do exist. No matter how little the number they do exist. It is no fantasy my brothers and sisters. The question is, do you wanna be one of these so called few?
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
I just got back from my kampung!
Salam Alayk,
Sorry for not writing these past few days. Went back you see so it's kinda difficult to post anything. Mostly due to the fact that I suddenly couldn't write. huhu...Writer's block? (sudden lack of good wordings and such making writing very difficult) I guess that would explain it. :P Oh well, I do have loads to tell. Wait till my next posts cay? I am quite tired right now. I might post something tomorrow morning insyaAllah. Till then, take care~ ^_^
By the way, remember this verse I posted?
Menurut riwayat, ada beberapa orang Quraisy bertanya kepada Nabi Muhammad s.a.w. tentang roh, kisah Ashabul Kahfi (penghuni gua) dan kisah Zulkarnain lalu beliau menjawab, datanglah besok pagi kepadaku agar aku ceritakan kepadamu dan beliau tidak mengucapkan insyaAllah (jika Allah menghendaki). Sampai esok harinya, wahyu lambat datang untuk menceritakan hal-hal tersebut dan Nabi tidak dapat menjawabnya. Maka turunlah ayat 23-24 di atas, sebagai pelajaran kepada Nabi; Allah mengingatkan pula bilamana Nabi terlupa menyebut insyaAllah haruslah segera menyebutkannya kemudian.
Jadi, tidakkah kamu mahu mengambil pelajaran seperti Rasulullah ? :)
Sorry for not writing these past few days. Went back you see so it's kinda difficult to post anything. Mostly due to the fact that I suddenly couldn't write. huhu...Writer's block? (sudden lack of good wordings and such making writing very difficult) I guess that would explain it. :P Oh well, I do have loads to tell. Wait till my next posts cay? I am quite tired right now. I might post something tomorrow morning insyaAllah. Till then, take care~ ^_^
By the way, remember this verse I posted?
"Dan jangan sekali-kali engkau mengatakan terhadap sesuatu, 'Aku pasti melakukan itu besok pagi,' kecuali (dengan mengatakan), 'InsyaAllah'. Dan ingatlah kepada Tuhanmu apabila engkau lupa dan katakanlah, "Mudah-mudahan Tuhanku akan memberiku petunjuk kepadaku agar aku yang lebih dekat (kebenarannya) daripada ini."
[Al-Kahfi 18:23 & 24]
Menurut riwayat, ada beberapa orang Quraisy bertanya kepada Nabi Muhammad s.a.w. tentang roh, kisah Ashabul Kahfi (penghuni gua) dan kisah Zulkarnain lalu beliau menjawab, datanglah besok pagi kepadaku agar aku ceritakan kepadamu dan beliau tidak mengucapkan insyaAllah (jika Allah menghendaki). Sampai esok harinya, wahyu lambat datang untuk menceritakan hal-hal tersebut dan Nabi tidak dapat menjawabnya. Maka turunlah ayat 23-24 di atas, sebagai pelajaran kepada Nabi; Allah mengingatkan pula bilamana Nabi terlupa menyebut insyaAllah haruslah segera menyebutkannya kemudian.
Jadi, tidakkah kamu mahu mengambil pelajaran seperti Rasulullah ? :)
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Ketika Cinta Bertasbih
Suddenly people are talking about this story ey? I know the books have been out for ages now. I haven't gotten myself to reading it yet but I just watched the movie. The first one that is coz there are 2 books if I'm not mistaken. Oh well, what I want to write here is the poem that Ana read out in the story. I relate to what she said more than to what Husna said. Here goes...
The first time I heard Ana say this it felt like it went straight to my soul. You know the feeling when you want to say something but you find no words for them and suddenly this person says it out for you perfectly. That's how I felt.
Islam itu sungguh indah sekiranya kita mengambil masa untuk memahami, jika kita sendiri mahu memahami. Subhanallah, Maha Suci Allah...sungguh Engkau menyentuh hatiku ini~
"Sekalipun cinta telah ku uraikan dan ku jelaskan panjang lebar,
namun jika cinta kudatangi, aku jadi malu pada keteranganku sendiri.
Meskipun lidahku telah mampu menguraikan, namun tanpa lidah,
cinta ternyata lebih terang sementara pena begitu tergesa-gesa menuliskannya.
Kata-kata pecah berkeping-keping begitu sampai kepada cinta.
Dalam menguraikan cinta, akal terbaring tak berdaya.
Bagaikan keldai terbaring dalam lumpur.
Cinta sendirilah yang menerangkan cinta dan percintaan."
The first time I heard Ana say this it felt like it went straight to my soul. You know the feeling when you want to say something but you find no words for them and suddenly this person says it out for you perfectly. That's how I felt.
Islam itu sungguh indah sekiranya kita mengambil masa untuk memahami, jika kita sendiri mahu memahami. Subhanallah, Maha Suci Allah...sungguh Engkau menyentuh hatiku ini~
Hello Asthma :)
Welcome back my dear old friend :) In case you're wondering I am refering to asthma as in the sickness where it becomes difficult for me to breathe. I grew out of it but now it's back again. Why do I call it my friend?
Because anything that reminds me of death and Allah is my friend :)
Not to worry though, I'm cool with it. Having shortness of breath and all. If you're not used to it, it sure can be a scary experience but I've passed the phase where it used to scare me. I'm not scared anymore in fact I feel loved. Weird huh? Biar la. hehe :P Just got back from the hospital. Got myself a brand new inhaler. Haven't used one of those for so long so I had to have it demonstrated just now by a pharmacist. He was very pleasant. I hope to be as pleasant when I'm a doctor.
I love going to the hospital. Doesn't matter if I'm sick or not. I just like being there. One place I feel like I belong. There's this welcoming feeling and I imagine myself going here and there, up and down the stairs meeting patients and all. Ahh...just soothing. Huhu...I hope I don't become too much of a workaholic. Kesian mama, abah & kakak kalau adik jadi macam tu. Kena ingat untuk balik rumah. :P
You know, while waiting for the specialist just now there was this saying I saw on the white board. I notice that there always will be some sort of cool quote there everytime I go and visit the hospital. I guess something to inspire the doctors? Well this one goes like this,
What do you think? Cool huh? It can be interpreted in many ways of course so I'll leave that to you. Just a reminder, the part about 'you must do what you have never done' thing, as long as it doesn't go against syariat Islam okay? ^_^
Now that I've shared a quote, let's look into the Quran for something. Wait a second as I flip through okay? Tunggu jap. hmm....let's see. Ahaa..here's one.
That's it, all comes from Allah. Be it something you like or something you don't like. Nikmat mahupun musibah. Semuanya dari sisi Allah S.W.T. Mungkin kadang-kadang kita terlupa ye dok? :P You know one thing that I find very inspiring? It's the fact that, orang yang zuhud memandang nikmat dan musibah itu sama. Oleh itu, ketika mendapat nikmat dia tidak terlalu gembira dan apabila mendapat musibah dia tidak terlalu sedih.
Apa itu zuhud? Maybe we can talk about that some other time ey? Tak boleh tulis panjang-panjang ni. Matlamat kita nak orang baca jadi tak nak menyusahkan kerana terlalu panjang pula. Till the next post then.
*cough..cough..
It's okay, I'm alright :) hee~
Because anything that reminds me of death and Allah is my friend :)
Not to worry though, I'm cool with it. Having shortness of breath and all. If you're not used to it, it sure can be a scary experience but I've passed the phase where it used to scare me. I'm not scared anymore in fact I feel loved. Weird huh? Biar la. hehe :P Just got back from the hospital. Got myself a brand new inhaler. Haven't used one of those for so long so I had to have it demonstrated just now by a pharmacist. He was very pleasant. I hope to be as pleasant when I'm a doctor.
I love going to the hospital. Doesn't matter if I'm sick or not. I just like being there. One place I feel like I belong. There's this welcoming feeling and I imagine myself going here and there, up and down the stairs meeting patients and all. Ahh...just soothing. Huhu...I hope I don't become too much of a workaholic. Kesian mama, abah & kakak kalau adik jadi macam tu. Kena ingat untuk balik rumah. :P
You know, while waiting for the specialist just now there was this saying I saw on the white board. I notice that there always will be some sort of cool quote there everytime I go and visit the hospital. I guess something to inspire the doctors? Well this one goes like this,
"To get what you have never had, you must do what you have never done."
What do you think? Cool huh? It can be interpreted in many ways of course so I'll leave that to you. Just a reminder, the part about 'you must do what you have never done' thing, as long as it doesn't go against syariat Islam okay? ^_^
Now that I've shared a quote, let's look into the Quran for something. Wait a second as I flip through okay? Tunggu jap. hmm....let's see. Ahaa..here's one.
"Di mana pun kamu berada, kematian akan mendapatkan kamu, kendatipun kamu berada di dalam benteng yang tinggi dan kukuh. Jika mereka memperoleh kebaikan, mereka mengatakan, "Ini dari sisi Allah", dan jika mereka ditimpa suatu keburukan mereka mengatakan, "Ini dari engkau (Muhammad)," Katakanlah, "Semuanya (datang) dari sisi Allah." Maka mengapa orang-orang itu (orang-orang munafik) hampir-hampir tidak memahami perbicaraan (sedikit pun)?"
[An-Nisa 4: 78]
That's it, all comes from Allah. Be it something you like or something you don't like. Nikmat mahupun musibah. Semuanya dari sisi Allah S.W.T. Mungkin kadang-kadang kita terlupa ye dok? :P You know one thing that I find very inspiring? It's the fact that, orang yang zuhud memandang nikmat dan musibah itu sama. Oleh itu, ketika mendapat nikmat dia tidak terlalu gembira dan apabila mendapat musibah dia tidak terlalu sedih.
Apa itu zuhud? Maybe we can talk about that some other time ey? Tak boleh tulis panjang-panjang ni. Matlamat kita nak orang baca jadi tak nak menyusahkan kerana terlalu panjang pula. Till the next post then.
*cough..cough..
It's okay, I'm alright :) hee~
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I need to remind myself
Kasih sayang bukan melemahkan hati, bukan membawa putus asa, bukan menimbulkan tangis sedu sedan. Tetapi, kasih sayang menghidupkan pengharapan, menguatkan hati dalam perjuangan menempuh onak duri penghidupan. – Hamka.
Something I found at arine's blog. It's great isn't it? The things people say that make you think. I have this problem in me that I can't help but feel this urge of being someone else other than me. Being like other people that is. Wishing I'd be I dunno...someone better? Why do I feel this way? Despite the things people say or think of me, I tend to look down on myself. Very low self-esteem you see. I don't even remember when I started feeling like this. Believing in oneself is very powerful but I regret to say that most of the time I don't feel confident at all. Confidence can take you a long way. Maybe that's why I'm still here unmoved? Am I moving? I just don't know. I want to believe in myself but I find that to be very difficult. That's when I think about it that is. If I don't think, somehow my subconcious seems to be very confident. haha...weird. I know. Oh well, I guess I need to be reminded that there's nothing wrong in being who I am and that being myself is how I should be.
I have to stop being afraid of being me. I should be happy.
Right?
Peace in returning
I came across this saying,
"True freedom is when you have somewhere to return."
What do you think? It striked me that, when people talk about freedom it's about being free to go and do whatever you want to do without anyone or anything holding you back. How true is that?
When you think about it, after going places you want to go and doing the things you want to do, what next? It would be never ending unless you know that you have somewhere to return to after all that. A journey that goes on and on with no clear aim and you end up getting tired of it and wanting to stop. Let's look at an example. A bird for instance. People like associating freedom with birds right? When you see them fly above in that vast blue sky you'd think that they are so full of freedom. You forget though that when they fly away, due time their wings would get tired. If they don't find a place or a branch to land on and rest their wings they might regret having those wings in the first place. Ever thought of that?
Knowing you belong somewhere and have a place to go back to, seems to be very calming to the soul. At least to me it is. Perhaps that's how life is. From death comes out life. From nothing comes something. To return would mean, to die.
Do you think about death? Honestly do you? Do you remember the fact that one day you will die? This isn't supposed to be freaky or anything but people avoid to talk about it anyway. I guess it depends on how you view death. I'm not saying I have a clear picture about it but I do know that I don't want to be afraid of it.
I'm sure you've heard of stories where people try hard to be immortal. A refusal to die. Why would you want that? Ironically in some stories people who are immortal want to die. You see why? When they experience immortality then only they realise that they don't want it. As I mentioned just now it becomes a never ending journey. They want to die because they want to stop. To die and find peace in that. That peace comes because you are returning to your creator. Makes sense right?
In Islam, life is one of the things we need to take care of the most. It's a gift and we're not supposed to just let go of it.
But even so, looking forward to it and preparing with all your might to face death isn't wrong. It just shows that we're not in love with the world. The world is not what's in our hearts. I'd say it's true that manusia perlu kepada perkara yang ghaib, perlu kepada akhirat. That's how we've been created. There's peace in thinking about death. You just have to know the right the way to think.
My brothers and sisters, don't fear death...what you must fear is Allah.
"True freedom is when you have somewhere to return."
What do you think? It striked me that, when people talk about freedom it's about being free to go and do whatever you want to do without anyone or anything holding you back. How true is that?
When you think about it, after going places you want to go and doing the things you want to do, what next? It would be never ending unless you know that you have somewhere to return to after all that. A journey that goes on and on with no clear aim and you end up getting tired of it and wanting to stop. Let's look at an example. A bird for instance. People like associating freedom with birds right? When you see them fly above in that vast blue sky you'd think that they are so full of freedom. You forget though that when they fly away, due time their wings would get tired. If they don't find a place or a branch to land on and rest their wings they might regret having those wings in the first place. Ever thought of that?
Knowing you belong somewhere and have a place to go back to, seems to be very calming to the soul. At least to me it is. Perhaps that's how life is. From death comes out life. From nothing comes something. To return would mean, to die.
Do you think about death? Honestly do you? Do you remember the fact that one day you will die? This isn't supposed to be freaky or anything but people avoid to talk about it anyway. I guess it depends on how you view death. I'm not saying I have a clear picture about it but I do know that I don't want to be afraid of it.
I'm sure you've heard of stories where people try hard to be immortal. A refusal to die. Why would you want that? Ironically in some stories people who are immortal want to die. You see why? When they experience immortality then only they realise that they don't want it. As I mentioned just now it becomes a never ending journey. They want to die because they want to stop. To die and find peace in that. That peace comes because you are returning to your creator. Makes sense right?
In Islam, life is one of the things we need to take care of the most. It's a gift and we're not supposed to just let go of it.
"...dan janganlah kamu membunuh dirimu. Sungguh Allah Maha Penyayang kepadamu."
[An-Nisa' 4:29]
But even so, looking forward to it and preparing with all your might to face death isn't wrong. It just shows that we're not in love with the world. The world is not what's in our hearts. I'd say it's true that manusia perlu kepada perkara yang ghaib, perlu kepada akhirat. That's how we've been created. There's peace in thinking about death. You just have to know the right the way to think.
My brothers and sisters, don't fear death...what you must fear is Allah.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Long distance relationships.
Ahaa...so what's on your mind about that? hehe...no taking it the wrong way now. I'm talking about friendship. Friendship with my friends who have left me. (sedih kan?) Left here meaning they've all gone to their universities overseas. You know, to get seperated is hard. Very difficult when you have no idea when you'd see them again but even if the chances of seeing each other is high, it doesn't make separation any easier.
I had a long chat with my best friend yesterday. Again, I'm sorry I did more talking Arine. Hehe..I mentioned before that she's in Bristol now. Busy of course with classes and all but luckily I caught her just before she had to go to her morning class. See? It's good to wake up early. You get to do so much. hehe :P And so we skyped. Lepas la rindu. How simple it is for us now. Even if all this technology didn't exist. I think we'd still be able to connect to each other and write letters at least. Thing about long distance is that both people have to want it to work.
When it's something you both want, it will happen. No matter how difficult or tedious the process may be. Even if you have all the technology in the world and yet you don't bother then there would be no relationship. It's about wanting it or not. Means and ways, you can always find them.
I was also lucky to chat with Adzreen & Adzwin. :) But both of them were ditching me for histology. Haha...they had to read. Yeah I know. Weird thing is one's in Russia and the other is in Poland and they actually ditched me for the same reason which is histo??? haha... but at least I got to say a few words :)
So, who says you can't maintain good relationship from far? You can :) And that includes relationships with your family, especially your parents. It doesn't matter how far you go. You can be at the other side of the world, a totally different hemisphere from your parents. Just, be sure to contact them. It may not appear very crucial to you but trust me it really is to them. We'd know when we become parents I guess. hehe...
We might have fights with our parents. Hardly agree on things, have different views and such but we're family. A bond created stronger than any other bond. A feeling that is different. You can never get rid of each other that's for sure. haha... I'd say you're stuck. So, make the best out of it. :) It needs effort. Different people have different ways. Some you see are close to their parents, and some really aren't. Not too late to change things though. It's never too late so long as you are still breathing.
Satu ciptaan Allah yang memang terasa indah dan dekat di hati ialah kasih sayang. That's what I think. Among all His great and wonderful creations, I really like that one. ^_^ A lot! It's always a good reason to want to live. To want to do things. It makes you happy.
Love your parents, love your brothers & sisters, love your whole family, love your friends...
Love them all because of Allah. He created love so never forget to give credit. hehe... Ucap syukur alhamdulillah.
May Allah bless us all, and that includes you :)
Monday, November 23, 2009
Pasta...yummy!
What about pasta? It's my breakfast this morning. hehe...leftovers from going out with mama yesterday. Sangat sedap! Why is it the title for this post? Coz I'm never good at choosing titles. :D haha..
I visited a blog this morning and found this quote,
"People tend to notice mistakes done by a person, but usually ignore the process of self improvement that this person is trying to make.."
What do you think? Well, I'd say it's quite true and rather unfair right? It all comes down to judging isn't it? Being judgemental towards others which most of the time is not a good thing. I said most of the time so surely there are acceptable instances but then again the trouble is the fact that we don't exactly know how to judge.
In a person, the truth lies in the heart. Something you and I will never be certain of. Something we can never be sure because the heart is not seen. It is hidden deep inside and you know how looks can be decieving. I notice now that even actions can be decieving. It's like there's no way of knowing the truth. We have to rely on our maturity or something to try and see through and at times what we conclude can be seriously wrong.
You know, I had a conversation with a friend last night and I asked about matters of the heart. Meaning to say here is that I asked how are we to know something when it all seems unclear and uncertain (looks and actions being decieving). Well, this friend told me that at moments like that, I'd have to look into my own heart. I'd have to try and understand with my heart and somehow by doing that, I'd see the truth. I should be able to get the answers to the quiries I have in me. I would be able to see.
Remember before I wrote a post about truth? click here to read. It was a long time ago but that time I said that truth is hard to come by because people are afraid of truth. They can't handle it and need something more. Now...I still think that's true. Is fear what blinds me from seeing with my heart? hmm... I fear assumptions. That I know.
The heart is a curious thing isn't it? That's why I like to talk about it :) There is a lot to explore concerning that particular part of us. I want to be able to understand with my heart. I really do. Don't you wanna know what your heart can do?
I visited a blog this morning and found this quote,
"People tend to notice mistakes done by a person, but usually ignore the process of self improvement that this person is trying to make.."
What do you think? Well, I'd say it's quite true and rather unfair right? It all comes down to judging isn't it? Being judgemental towards others which most of the time is not a good thing. I said most of the time so surely there are acceptable instances but then again the trouble is the fact that we don't exactly know how to judge.
In a person, the truth lies in the heart. Something you and I will never be certain of. Something we can never be sure because the heart is not seen. It is hidden deep inside and you know how looks can be decieving. I notice now that even actions can be decieving. It's like there's no way of knowing the truth. We have to rely on our maturity or something to try and see through and at times what we conclude can be seriously wrong.
You know, I had a conversation with a friend last night and I asked about matters of the heart. Meaning to say here is that I asked how are we to know something when it all seems unclear and uncertain (looks and actions being decieving). Well, this friend told me that at moments like that, I'd have to look into my own heart. I'd have to try and understand with my heart and somehow by doing that, I'd see the truth. I should be able to get the answers to the quiries I have in me. I would be able to see.
Remember before I wrote a post about truth? click here to read. It was a long time ago but that time I said that truth is hard to come by because people are afraid of truth. They can't handle it and need something more. Now...I still think that's true. Is fear what blinds me from seeing with my heart? hmm... I fear assumptions. That I know.
The heart is a curious thing isn't it? That's why I like to talk about it :) There is a lot to explore concerning that particular part of us. I want to be able to understand with my heart. I really do. Don't you wanna know what your heart can do?
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Down memory lane
Salam Alayk,
wooops! I did say I'd write more often right? Looks like I haven't. Sorry about that. Oh well, here's a little something then. How many siblings do you have? In my case, it's just my big sister and I.
Kakak & Adik.
It's always been that way ever since I existed. My sister is four years older than me but even so, I've never felt distant from her because of age. When I was small, I used to remember her being my partner in crime. haha...practicaly coz she didn't have a choice really. Or did she? I can never really know. You see, my sister is special. She's not just an ordinary sister. The term people would use is spastic. She is a spastic child.
Despite being the youngest, I'm the eldest at the same time. I've been taking care of her since before I could understand why I needed to do it. At the back of my memory, one that I clearly remember is having to help her brush her teeth. I was really short back then. 4 years old. Had to climb up a chair to reach the sink and to reach her. She's always taller than me even now. haha... and there I was. A little girl brushing her sister's teeth with all her might. I used to think of it as a duty you know? Something bestowed upon me by my parents and be happily getting it accomplished.
but...as I grew older I guess I changed. I became impatient and I started fretting over things. I know I shouldn't but it happened and maybe to her being with me isn't such fun anymore as I felt that way with her but no. My sister never thinks ill of other people. She can't. She just doesn't know how. So how could I have been so mean? Perhaps it's just me being a child that for once wanted to be cared for by my sibling which I can't hope for from her in the way that other people might be able to.
Now, I try putting myself in her shoes. She didn't ask for this to happen to her and yet it did. I was thinking maybe in her head she thinks, 'It's like watching my little sister grow and I get left behind because I can't follow her and she can't stay.' Wouldn't it hurt her even more than me? And being her, she'd feel even more helpless coz she doesn't know how to make me feel better. All she knows is that I get mad all the time and it looks like it’s because of her. So somehow, we did become distant and stopped doing things together. Maybe in her logic, that’s the best thing to do so that I don’t cry and I don’t get mad.
I went off to boarding school. 5 years of it. Not being home most of the time made us grow even further apart. My mother told me though that she’d always ask about me when I’m not around. She’d ask the same questions everyday and my parents would answer the same way without fail and she’d be happy with just that. She’d ask things like, ‘Abah, adik makan ape pagi ni?’, ‘Adik pegi kelas ye ma?’, ‘Bila adik basuh baju?’, ‘Adik buat sendiri ye ma?’, ‘Adik tidur dengan sape?’, ‘Adik tak takut ke abah?’, ‘Adik tidur pukul berape?’, ‘Bila adik nak balik rumah?’....and the list goes on and on...
In front of me though she’d keep quiet. Not one word from all those questions when I get home. Nothing. She just does stays put and leaves me alone doing whatever I wanted to do. At times, I remember catching a glimpse of her looking at me and turning away quickly fearing I’d see her look.
Isn’t that just sad? Why couldn’t I see that time that I have one person at home who loves me so much no matter what I do? A person that never can get mad at me and is always there to give me a smile hoping that I’d smile back.
Always there and wants me to love her too.
That was the past. I’m not like that anymore. Growing up made me see a lot of things and I grew out that age where I was always jealous of the attention she gets. I miss her. A feeling in me that I never really understood before. I guess the distancing for all these years made me forget how she used to be so important to me. I’m mending things now. Have been trying for a few years already. It’s fruitful, we are getting close again. I’d have to take it slow. Get to know her again and let her try to get to know me. Let her know that I won’t get upset anymore and that I love her.
I do love my sister.
I’ve always had this problem whereby I rarely show how I care up to the point that I don’t know how anymore. Even my best friend complained about that. Haha :P I have this gift of making people feel like they’re not special to me when in actual fact those I hold dear to my heart, I can never really let go. I just can’t because once I love you, I always will. The thing is, people are the ones that want me to go away. So, you can’t blame me for liking the fact that I’m a loner. I have friends who are very close to me. Many in fact that it’s ironic if I say I’m a loner but that’s how it is. Ask around, they’d tell you how I usually walk on my own because I like to.
At times I seek comfort in others. I thank you all for bearing with me. Now I’ve decided that, I’d stay with those who actually want me to stay rather than bother those who’d wish that I leave.
Kak, adik mintak maaf sebab lame btul pegi tinggal kakak sorang2. That’s because I know you’re strong like me! :) coz we’re sisters! I’m back now and I never wanna leave you again. I’ve been back for quite a while already right? Evenhough I know you don’t understand any of this, I know our hearts understand each other :)
Allah gave you me! Your little sister who’ll fight off all the bad people out there and never let anyone hurt you so you need not be afraid of anything else but Allah. Coz whatever happens, I’m your little sister and you are my one and only kakak.
wooops! I did say I'd write more often right? Looks like I haven't. Sorry about that. Oh well, here's a little something then. How many siblings do you have? In my case, it's just my big sister and I.
Kakak & Adik.
It's always been that way ever since I existed. My sister is four years older than me but even so, I've never felt distant from her because of age. When I was small, I used to remember her being my partner in crime. haha...practicaly coz she didn't have a choice really. Or did she? I can never really know. You see, my sister is special. She's not just an ordinary sister. The term people would use is spastic. She is a spastic child.
Despite being the youngest, I'm the eldest at the same time. I've been taking care of her since before I could understand why I needed to do it. At the back of my memory, one that I clearly remember is having to help her brush her teeth. I was really short back then. 4 years old. Had to climb up a chair to reach the sink and to reach her. She's always taller than me even now. haha... and there I was. A little girl brushing her sister's teeth with all her might. I used to think of it as a duty you know? Something bestowed upon me by my parents and be happily getting it accomplished.
but...as I grew older I guess I changed. I became impatient and I started fretting over things. I know I shouldn't but it happened and maybe to her being with me isn't such fun anymore as I felt that way with her but no. My sister never thinks ill of other people. She can't. She just doesn't know how. So how could I have been so mean? Perhaps it's just me being a child that for once wanted to be cared for by my sibling which I can't hope for from her in the way that other people might be able to.
Now, I try putting myself in her shoes. She didn't ask for this to happen to her and yet it did. I was thinking maybe in her head she thinks, 'It's like watching my little sister grow and I get left behind because I can't follow her and she can't stay.' Wouldn't it hurt her even more than me? And being her, she'd feel even more helpless coz she doesn't know how to make me feel better. All she knows is that I get mad all the time and it looks like it’s because of her. So somehow, we did become distant and stopped doing things together. Maybe in her logic, that’s the best thing to do so that I don’t cry and I don’t get mad.
I went off to boarding school. 5 years of it. Not being home most of the time made us grow even further apart. My mother told me though that she’d always ask about me when I’m not around. She’d ask the same questions everyday and my parents would answer the same way without fail and she’d be happy with just that. She’d ask things like, ‘Abah, adik makan ape pagi ni?’, ‘Adik pegi kelas ye ma?’, ‘Bila adik basuh baju?’, ‘Adik buat sendiri ye ma?’, ‘Adik tidur dengan sape?’, ‘Adik tak takut ke abah?’, ‘Adik tidur pukul berape?’, ‘Bila adik nak balik rumah?’....and the list goes on and on...
In front of me though she’d keep quiet. Not one word from all those questions when I get home. Nothing. She just does stays put and leaves me alone doing whatever I wanted to do. At times, I remember catching a glimpse of her looking at me and turning away quickly fearing I’d see her look.
Isn’t that just sad? Why couldn’t I see that time that I have one person at home who loves me so much no matter what I do? A person that never can get mad at me and is always there to give me a smile hoping that I’d smile back.
Always there and wants me to love her too.
That was the past. I’m not like that anymore. Growing up made me see a lot of things and I grew out that age where I was always jealous of the attention she gets. I miss her. A feeling in me that I never really understood before. I guess the distancing for all these years made me forget how she used to be so important to me. I’m mending things now. Have been trying for a few years already. It’s fruitful, we are getting close again. I’d have to take it slow. Get to know her again and let her try to get to know me. Let her know that I won’t get upset anymore and that I love her.
I do love my sister.
I’ve always had this problem whereby I rarely show how I care up to the point that I don’t know how anymore. Even my best friend complained about that. Haha :P I have this gift of making people feel like they’re not special to me when in actual fact those I hold dear to my heart, I can never really let go. I just can’t because once I love you, I always will. The thing is, people are the ones that want me to go away. So, you can’t blame me for liking the fact that I’m a loner. I have friends who are very close to me. Many in fact that it’s ironic if I say I’m a loner but that’s how it is. Ask around, they’d tell you how I usually walk on my own because I like to.
At times I seek comfort in others. I thank you all for bearing with me. Now I’ve decided that, I’d stay with those who actually want me to stay rather than bother those who’d wish that I leave.
Kak, adik mintak maaf sebab lame btul pegi tinggal kakak sorang2. That’s because I know you’re strong like me! :) coz we’re sisters! I’m back now and I never wanna leave you again. I’ve been back for quite a while already right? Evenhough I know you don’t understand any of this, I know our hearts understand each other :)
Allah gave you me! Your little sister who’ll fight off all the bad people out there and never let anyone hurt you so you need not be afraid of anything else but Allah. Coz whatever happens, I’m your little sister and you are my one and only kakak.
"...dan (peliharalah) hubungan kekeluargaan. Sesungguhnya Allah selalu menjaga dan mengawasimu."
[An-Nisa' 4:1]
Allah brought me back home. Alhamdulillah :)
Allah brought me back home. Alhamdulillah :)
Monday, November 16, 2009
I'm back now after so long :)
Assalamualaikum my brothers and sisters :)
Owh how I missed writing since it's been such a long while. Forgive me. I had my finals which is now done alhamdulillah. The holidays are here! Yet I'll only be heading back on Thursday. That's alright. InsyaAllah, this holiday will be a meaningful one.
Sungguh-sungguh kali ni. Semoga Allah memberi peluang dan kekuatan untuk teruskan apa yang saya harap untuk lakukan. InsyaAllah :)
This morning I woke up a little late than usual. Had a long chat with my dearest friend whom I haven't been talking to for so long. Thank Allah for that. She seemed well. We did a lot of catching up. I hope I wasn't the one talking too much though. I do have that tendency sometimes. Huhu...sorry! Friendship is a beautiful thing now isn't it? One of the many wonderful things Allah has created for us. I thank Allah for giving me such great friends. You see, it's not quantity that's important. At least not in this case. Here it's quality.
Let me ask you. Do you pray for your friends? Do you understand how it's like to pray for your friend and the implications it has on you?
I'm sure it's common for you to hear your friends say, 'Do pray for me. I've got finals tomorrow!' or 'I'm so worried. Pray for me will you?'. Well now, when you utter the words, 'Okay' or 'InsyaAllah', do you actually pray for them?
You see, you have actually made a promise there and for that you must ensure you keep to your word. You know, when you pray for a friend or anyone aside from yourself for that matter, malaikat will pray for you. You think that's an unimportant fact? My, my...it is important! Can you imagine how it's like to have one with no sin to pray for your well being? Malaikat, who never goes against Allah's wishes and created without nafs. Having them pray for you, wouldn't you want that? I know I would :)
Then again, I feel it's a bit improper when we do so only to hope for something in return. Try doing it just for Allah. That gives a whole new feeling to it. Never feel that praying for others is a waste of time. It isn't. Surely it isn't. And you know, a gift of prayer is better than materialistic things. I also heard before that it's best when you pray for someone and that person doesn't know. Unless you tell, there's no way he or she would find out right? :P So I guess we shouldn't be dissappointed if we don't get presents on our birthdays? Haha...for all you know, those people dear to you have been praying for you without you knowing. You've already recieved the best gift! A nice way to think of it ey? And thinking that, you should want to pray for them as well so even if they didn't, you'd be getting presents from malaikat anyway. Awesome! :)
So when you pray, don't forget to pray for others too cay? A reminder to myself and you.
By the way, insyaAllah I'll make it a point to write more frequently now that it's the holidays. I do have so much I want to share. Do read on okay? Till then...may Allah take care of you :)
Owh how I missed writing since it's been such a long while. Forgive me. I had my finals which is now done alhamdulillah. The holidays are here! Yet I'll only be heading back on Thursday. That's alright. InsyaAllah, this holiday will be a meaningful one.
Sungguh-sungguh kali ni. Semoga Allah memberi peluang dan kekuatan untuk teruskan apa yang saya harap untuk lakukan. InsyaAllah :)
This morning I woke up a little late than usual. Had a long chat with my dearest friend whom I haven't been talking to for so long. Thank Allah for that. She seemed well. We did a lot of catching up. I hope I wasn't the one talking too much though. I do have that tendency sometimes. Huhu...sorry! Friendship is a beautiful thing now isn't it? One of the many wonderful things Allah has created for us. I thank Allah for giving me such great friends. You see, it's not quantity that's important. At least not in this case. Here it's quality.
Let me ask you. Do you pray for your friends? Do you understand how it's like to pray for your friend and the implications it has on you?
I'm sure it's common for you to hear your friends say, 'Do pray for me. I've got finals tomorrow!' or 'I'm so worried. Pray for me will you?'. Well now, when you utter the words, 'Okay' or 'InsyaAllah', do you actually pray for them?
You see, you have actually made a promise there and for that you must ensure you keep to your word. You know, when you pray for a friend or anyone aside from yourself for that matter, malaikat will pray for you. You think that's an unimportant fact? My, my...it is important! Can you imagine how it's like to have one with no sin to pray for your well being? Malaikat, who never goes against Allah's wishes and created without nafs. Having them pray for you, wouldn't you want that? I know I would :)
Then again, I feel it's a bit improper when we do so only to hope for something in return. Try doing it just for Allah. That gives a whole new feeling to it. Never feel that praying for others is a waste of time. It isn't. Surely it isn't. And you know, a gift of prayer is better than materialistic things. I also heard before that it's best when you pray for someone and that person doesn't know. Unless you tell, there's no way he or she would find out right? :P So I guess we shouldn't be dissappointed if we don't get presents on our birthdays? Haha...for all you know, those people dear to you have been praying for you without you knowing. You've already recieved the best gift! A nice way to think of it ey? And thinking that, you should want to pray for them as well so even if they didn't, you'd be getting presents from malaikat anyway. Awesome! :)
So when you pray, don't forget to pray for others too cay? A reminder to myself and you.
By the way, insyaAllah I'll make it a point to write more frequently now that it's the holidays. I do have so much I want to share. Do read on okay? Till then...may Allah take care of you :)
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